I was lost but now I've been found...
Ok I really have just found my blog again, no epithany or anything spectacular, no light, no new found direction, so the title is a bit misleading really.
It's been a while. Forget Tumblr, I don't like the fact that it doesn't allow comments. Plus I do like certain things about blogger.
So it's late 12.53am to be exact and I was thinking about my blog after someone emailed me about it. To be honest I forgot about it, so it was good to get a reminder. Why is is when your in bed late at night ready to fall a sleep, that the best thoughts come to your mind? I cannot even begin to pen such great thouhts now. They seem to flow more easily in the mind rather than when wide awake. If only I could write my thoughts out in those kind of states.
So what is new you may ask? Too much I say.
I am now jobless. Am I sad? No. I was really over my job and the way I was treated. It wasn't like people were horrible or it was the worst job in the world, but basically I think they were trying to push me out, like they have been doing with everyone else. Good luck to them I say, although I do wish they all BURN IN HELL!!!! :) Seriously, I just think the working world is horrible place, it's full of egotistical, money hungry, self serving wankers. Ah welcome to reality Lychee!!! Hmmmm AWA, I don't have much to say about them, but I guess it's really just the same as a contract.
Mmmm, let's move on shall we? So my dad's gone back into depression and has moved back to Melbs - greattttttt! He pretty much wants to kill himself. It's nice to hear your dad say, "well that's the end of the road for me I have nothing to live for". I've heard it before, although this time it doesn't hurt, it just makes me feel mad and kind of over the whole thing. I can't feel as much anymore for my fathers words, in a way his actions over the years have made me become more colder. I have less compassion, much less infact, I think he's drained compassion out of me. So now I've switched off, and when I hear the words I hear nothing. I guess I just don't want to go back to that place I was in the first time around, a very scared 18 year old who saw her world collapsing. i basically couldn't cope and I myself almost had a nervous breakdown at the time. I never want to go back to that place again, that cold and loney place, so my best defence is to switch off. It's probably doing some damage to some part of my mind, but then I guess we never have the answers on how to truely best deal with a situation. The crappy thing is, now I have to kind of look after my father, take care of his finances and well... it just shits me. I always have wondered why I got lumped with such a loser family. Sorry but it's how I feel. I wonder if people just have normal lives ever? I sometime wonder why some people struggle all there life and others seem to have a smooth sailing life. What did I do wrong to deserve such a life? Is it a gene, is it luck, is it god just saying picking... crappy life for you..and great life for you... and so on. I just want a normal easy going life. One not filled with worry everyday.
So after all the drama, I decided to get away, so I went up to my aunt and auncles beach house. I just got back tonight but am going back tomorrow with my mum. It was nice. I thouhgt going away would make me sort out what I really wanted in life, make me think, reflect, consider my options, but the whole time I was just trying to avoid my thoughts. As I walkd along the beach each day for a few hours, no real major thouhgts were entering my head and I was thinking, I'm runing away from my thoughts. It's wierd to walk up and down a beach for a few hours only to realise you have not thought about anything. Can my mind be that simple? Or is it that my mind is so complex that it was too hard to think? I would love it to be the second option, but I wonder?
I did have one interesting discussion in my mind. It was me coming up with a childrens book, tv show that I have had in the back of my mind for a number of years. anyway, the idea had become successful and I was a multimillionaire and I was being interviewed by that Today Tonight chick Corin grant? and I was imagining this really great interview, where I was saying my whole life story and how I ended up here and that what I was going to do with all my millions of dollars was to give a lot of it to charity. mmmm, I can wish can't I? It did make me think about my childrens book though... I was thinking that working with children is kind of my passion and maybe this is something I need to persue. early in the day I was watching opera and there was one important line that she said and that was, "you'll only be really happy when you do something that is truley you and not something that you think everyone else wants you to do". I think I am most happiest when I am working with children. Although, I know I could never be a teacher because I'm not smart enough, I could never be a a childcare worker because I did a stint of that at high school and although I loved working with the kids, the other day care people were depressing and nasty, plus it does get a bit tiring working with young kids 24/7. So maybe perusing my childrens book/tv show - think kind of wiggles show might work.
ok to finish off one of my animations has been accpeted into a childrens animation festival - making me think even more that I need to persue this book idea. I mean this opportunity came out of the blue and it wasn't even looking for it, it came to me...making me think there's something more to it! Who knows?
It's been a while. Forget Tumblr, I don't like the fact that it doesn't allow comments. Plus I do like certain things about blogger.
So it's late 12.53am to be exact and I was thinking about my blog after someone emailed me about it. To be honest I forgot about it, so it was good to get a reminder. Why is is when your in bed late at night ready to fall a sleep, that the best thoughts come to your mind? I cannot even begin to pen such great thouhts now. They seem to flow more easily in the mind rather than when wide awake. If only I could write my thoughts out in those kind of states.
So what is new you may ask? Too much I say.
I am now jobless. Am I sad? No. I was really over my job and the way I was treated. It wasn't like people were horrible or it was the worst job in the world, but basically I think they were trying to push me out, like they have been doing with everyone else. Good luck to them I say, although I do wish they all BURN IN HELL!!!! :) Seriously, I just think the working world is horrible place, it's full of egotistical, money hungry, self serving wankers. Ah welcome to reality Lychee!!! Hmmmm AWA, I don't have much to say about them, but I guess it's really just the same as a contract.
Mmmm, let's move on shall we? So my dad's gone back into depression and has moved back to Melbs - greattttttt! He pretty much wants to kill himself. It's nice to hear your dad say, "well that's the end of the road for me I have nothing to live for". I've heard it before, although this time it doesn't hurt, it just makes me feel mad and kind of over the whole thing. I can't feel as much anymore for my fathers words, in a way his actions over the years have made me become more colder. I have less compassion, much less infact, I think he's drained compassion out of me. So now I've switched off, and when I hear the words I hear nothing. I guess I just don't want to go back to that place I was in the first time around, a very scared 18 year old who saw her world collapsing. i basically couldn't cope and I myself almost had a nervous breakdown at the time. I never want to go back to that place again, that cold and loney place, so my best defence is to switch off. It's probably doing some damage to some part of my mind, but then I guess we never have the answers on how to truely best deal with a situation. The crappy thing is, now I have to kind of look after my father, take care of his finances and well... it just shits me. I always have wondered why I got lumped with such a loser family. Sorry but it's how I feel. I wonder if people just have normal lives ever? I sometime wonder why some people struggle all there life and others seem to have a smooth sailing life. What did I do wrong to deserve such a life? Is it a gene, is it luck, is it god just saying picking... crappy life for you..and great life for you... and so on. I just want a normal easy going life. One not filled with worry everyday.
So after all the drama, I decided to get away, so I went up to my aunt and auncles beach house. I just got back tonight but am going back tomorrow with my mum. It was nice. I thouhgt going away would make me sort out what I really wanted in life, make me think, reflect, consider my options, but the whole time I was just trying to avoid my thoughts. As I walkd along the beach each day for a few hours, no real major thouhgts were entering my head and I was thinking, I'm runing away from my thoughts. It's wierd to walk up and down a beach for a few hours only to realise you have not thought about anything. Can my mind be that simple? Or is it that my mind is so complex that it was too hard to think? I would love it to be the second option, but I wonder?
I did have one interesting discussion in my mind. It was me coming up with a childrens book, tv show that I have had in the back of my mind for a number of years. anyway, the idea had become successful and I was a multimillionaire and I was being interviewed by that Today Tonight chick Corin grant? and I was imagining this really great interview, where I was saying my whole life story and how I ended up here and that what I was going to do with all my millions of dollars was to give a lot of it to charity. mmmm, I can wish can't I? It did make me think about my childrens book though... I was thinking that working with children is kind of my passion and maybe this is something I need to persue. early in the day I was watching opera and there was one important line that she said and that was, "you'll only be really happy when you do something that is truley you and not something that you think everyone else wants you to do". I think I am most happiest when I am working with children. Although, I know I could never be a teacher because I'm not smart enough, I could never be a a childcare worker because I did a stint of that at high school and although I loved working with the kids, the other day care people were depressing and nasty, plus it does get a bit tiring working with young kids 24/7. So maybe perusing my childrens book/tv show - think kind of wiggles show might work.
ok to finish off one of my animations has been accpeted into a childrens animation festival - making me think even more that I need to persue this book idea. I mean this opportunity came out of the blue and it wasn't even looking for it, it came to me...making me think there's something more to it! Who knows?
posted by lychee at 6:49 AM
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